The Fool on the Hill: Staying Alive

Last month, I booked an appointment with the dentist.

What's surprising about that? Well, about three years ago, I decided that as I don't like dentists, and as my teeth — those that are left of them — are in reasonable condition, and as I wasn't planning to live much longer, I'd give up seeing the dentist. I thought, next time I get toothache, that'll be time for an early bath.

But at the beginning of August, something happened in my life which really changed things for me. No, I'm not going to tell you what it was. For the first time in years, there was a vision of a future that I looked forward to. I wanted to stay alive, to see that future; and so I thought a bit of basic maintenance was probably a good idea. And so I booked an appointment with the dentist.

When your eyes get exposed to bright light, and then you return to the dark, the dark looks extra dark. sudden transitions in hope are hard to adjust to. The thing that happened at the beginning of August turns out to have been... well, an isolated incident. Not the start of anything self sustaining, Perhaps no more than an illusion, a moment of wishful thinking, of self-deceit.

I have started to design an enormously elaborate tricycle. Why have I started to design an enormously elaborate tricycle? Like most of the things I do, mainly to silence the noises in my head. But also because I need something to move me through this moment of despair. Building the tricycle — if I build it — will have me face a series of challenges, all of which look possible to overcome. It's a project of manageable complexity, but some real technical challenges. And riding bicycles is one of the few things I still actually enjoy.

Designing the tricycle may give me enough motivation to stay alive, at least through the immediate crisis.

But it feels a pretty pointless thing to build one's hope on. One tricycle won't make the world a better place. When I've built it — if I live to complete it — my life will still be as harsh as it is now, still as empty, still as bleak.

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